Maybe this isn’t the right time…
Posted by Sylvia
A bit of an argument here on the coast. My other half really needs to lose weight too and is open to dieting together where I do the meal planning. But I guess while it’s so erratic he is feeling out of control.
At lunch (stewed pork ribs with mushrooms and garlic) I said that boiled potatoes were fine but no chips (bear in mind I don’t make our lunches).
He felt upset by this seemingly random restriction. He had a small lunch yesterday but then a dinner that I said afterwards took us way over the expected calories for the day. Having not dieted yesterday, he is being denied chips today, for no reason. He would have eaten less pork and beans and had the chips today, by preference. Doubly-so as he’s taking our friends to the pub tonight so will have a couple of pints with them, so denying him chips is a nonsense… etc
I can see his point. I think he’ll be fine if the diet is strict and we are maintaining weight loss but at the moment it feels very random to him (and he wanted to wait until guests were gone anyway) – me deciding “this is worth it, this isn’t” is acceptable if it’s working but just seems random and mean if not.
I’m not sure how to sort it. Guests leave at the weekend at which point the whole pub/restaurant/etc issue goes away for three weeks. However, it is an ongoing issue in that we have a lot of guests and do a lot of entertaining. So I’m thinking there’s a few options:
- Just forget it and start over on Monday – decide how to deal with guests in future after first hurdle is overcome
- Go for 2k/day so that it’s not noticeable that we’re dieting but still keeping numbers lower
- Keep aiming for under 1300 day for me and serve him separately (ugh!)
- Just keep going as is and continue arguing on the basis it’ll sort itself out over time
I don’t like 4 at all. I’m leaning towards 1 or 2 to be honest but I’d really like some advice (and additional options)!
Paola said,
17 April 2008 at 3:42 pm
This is very timely as I was wondering how difficult it must be to diet if one’s partner wanted to maintain a certain life-style with a lot of entertaining.
I think it’s GREAT that he wants to lose weight too.
I don’t think you can avoid giving him different/more food if he’s on 700 more calories than you.
I also don’t think you should worry about short-changing your guests by giving them healthy options. You’re not their only source of food – friends should be supportive.
I know that this is in the reject category of “don’t do this” but, ask him, is it reasonable to eat chips or drink beer regularly if you’re trying to lose 20+ kilos?
I’ve said in previous comments here that I had a revelation some years ago that my appetite is not normal – I WANT to eat a LOT more than I need to. I eat (ate) for flavour. I think of it as having a disability. Some people have a limp – my brain is wired wrong (or taught) when it comes to food.
So, in accepting that I have an irrational attitude towards food, I have to consciously try to make rational decisions about what and when to eat because I cannot rely on my appetite. Most people don’t have to do this.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think it’s hit you (two) yet of how much things will have to change to lose weight. So far, it seems to me that you’re still eating food that’s very high in fat but you’re trying to reduce portions. I think that you need to change your diet completely, getting fats and sugar to a minimum.
You could get to 70 kilos in 100 days.
Does the person who cooks your lunches work for you? Do they know about low-fat foods? Are they willing to learn? Can you give them a brief? There are a lot of web sites with low-calorie recipes – if you spent an hour online, you could probably print out a months worth of recipes.
That all said, last year I looked for an online service where I could type in what food I had and it’d generate meal plans for me. That’s the perfect diet web site in my mind.
Simon said,
17 April 2008 at 3:44 pm
Very interesting! My thoughts re calories is that random calories saved are no bad thing at all. I mean, if you can save a couple of hundred calories by having boiled spuds instead of chips then that’s a couple of hundred you need towards the 3500 per pound you need to lose that pound!
So ‘denying him’ chips is not a nonsense in the slightest, he’s not ready to lose it, but you are. Either way, you do what you need to do, and let him decide for himself. Indeed, let him feed himself, he’s a grown man, if he wants to lose weight, he doesn’t need you controlling him to do it.
Sylvia said,
17 April 2008 at 4:42 pm
Paola: To a great extent, I’m still looking at options and whether “healthy” eating needs to mean “more processed foods” (because with light options out here, that’s what we get) and so there is some experimentation as to how can I best get the calories down without feeling like I’m giving things up. So that’s an issue.
There’s a difference – hmm, there’s no tactful way to say this – there’s a difference between close friends and people who come to visit. In this case, they don’t really know me at all and they have always know him as overweight. So there isn’t the support I would expect from a “real” friend. Also bear in mind each person is only here for a weekend or a week – so I think there’s a tendency to think “Well, yeah but for gods sake, we only see her once a year, and she’s nibbling on toast, wtf?” – rather than realising that for them it’s one weekend but for me it’s all summer long.
On the other hand, I don’t know, maybe it won’t be like that at all. Ask me in September.
Lunch foods – I can make some requests (like please don’t serve chips with the meal) but I can’t take control nor hand her recipes. So I think lunches will get a lot better (and I’m happy to accept them as the big meal of the day and dinner as smaller) but that’s going to take a while. On the other hand, her salads are great. :)
I think part of the issue is that he feels pushed into this early whereas I just wanted to get started. So it’s sort of broadsided him.
Simon: I make the meals – so if I don’t make chips, he doesn’t get them. If I say “please no chips with lunch” then everyone gets no chips with lunch. So it’s not treating him as a child, it’s that I effectively am ending up “changing” his meals without him having input. That’s something I hadn’t really realised previously.
No chips in itself isn’t a problem, in terms of saving calories. But I can understand that “no chips but have this dish that is just as high in calories which you don’t like as much” is annoying, especially when it’s not that I didn’t make chips, I asked someone else not to make them. Does that make more sense?
Becky said,
17 April 2008 at 4:58 pm
Isn’t it fascinating how we are all approaching a common issue with such different backgrounds, issues, etc? An anthropologist could read these and gain such an insight into 21st century life. (sorry not a very practical comment)
Sylvia, I really do feel for you as I know exactly what it is like to have company to stay and even if they are close friends, they get off that plane with holiday on their minds. They want ice cream cones between meals, dessert with dinner, big cooked breakfasts every day and big portions of everything. In my case, they have come to America and they want to supersize! I am just not that strong willed.
You could try stopping until Monday but that is a dangerous course. Would that mean that you take mini-breaks from your diet all summer long when people come to stay? From past experience, I know it will mean your weight just yo-yos and in the end you feel like you’ve achieved nothing.
From your posts, I’m a little confused about eating works in your household. Do you get lunch cooked for you?
I cook for my husband who isn’t dieting and what I tend to do is make him eat the same thing I eat but give him 2/3 of the portion. (but then I do tend to cook stuff that is fairly diet-friendly and he just has to put up with it. (as he wants to lose weight as well but hasn’t quite made the step to making the decision to, he doesn’t mind)
Paola said,
17 April 2008 at 6:09 pm
Okay, still trying to get my head around your situation, Sylvia.
You said “I think he’ll be fine if the diet is strict and we are maintaining weight loss.” If this the case, why not do this?
I don’t understand your relationship to the person who cooks your lunches. Does she work for your partner? If so, if he wants to lose weight too, can’t you talk to her together? Or him give you permission to talk to her?
Is it possible for you to only be responsible for your own food? Your partner then arranges his own food. I stopped routinely preparing meals for me and Frank when I realised I was cooking bigger and more fattening meals as a result.
Can you reschedule your visitors to come July onwards?
You don’t need to give anything up. Thinking that way is one reason I put off dieting for so long. There are low-fat options for most things – I now bake veg instead of roasting or frying. I have Quark instead of cream cheese and yoghurt in place of cream. I use dressings and sauces – I don’t eat bland food – you don’t have to give up tasty food by going on a diet. Calories aren’t in flavour.
But in the end – sorry for being trite – if you want to lose weight, you either have to consume less calories or use up more in exercise. Or have surgery. Or get a really bad illness. Ahem.
Sylvia, how about you both going to a health farm for a month (or more)? You’d get yourself into a routine and make progress you’d be more inclined to keep on your return.
I hope we can help you sort this out.
Anna said,
17 April 2008 at 11:17 pm
I’ve read through this thread and can totally see both Sylvia and Becky’s predicament. I continue to maintain that watching what you eat, even sporadically, is better than not bothering at all. I can understand what Becky says about the yo-yoing which isn’t good, but as always, it’s about balance. It takes a while to slip into a healthier way of eating and it’s taken several goes over the last 18 months to get here (here being only 2 weeks into the latest diet!).
I think the best thing you can do, Sylvia, is invite all the Bloggers to stay with you for a week and get you into your new routine! :P
On a more serious note, one can argue “now is never the right time” which means, in an odd way, that now is better than not now. :-)
I believe we all have innate wisdom and just listening to our inner voice when we are in a positive mood/attitude will provide us with the answers we need. What does your inner voice tell you, Sylvia?
Paola said,
17 April 2008 at 11:48 pm
“I think the best thing you can do, Sylvia, is invite all the Bloggers to stay with you for a week and get you into your new routine! :P”
I’m glad I’m not the only one to have had that idea!
Sylvia said,
18 April 2008 at 6:34 pm
LOL I love the blogging support team idea.
I’m not gone, I’m just really busy + thinking.
Sylvia said,
20 April 2008 at 2:00 pm
The questions and comments here have really helped me to start thinking things through – as you can see from my other posts.
Lunches: it’s more of a friend than anything else and it really isn’t something that I care to undo under the circumstances. It would be a lot easier to simply make my own lunches than to try to do more than basic modifications, and I might end up doing that later. It’s a really long story and not one that belongs on a public board, tbh. Having said all that – her lunches have not been the big hitters in terms of calories – my dinners have been! So I suspect it’ll end up a non-issue in the long run. Will be watching that over the week.