Off the rails
Posted by Anna
Thursday turned out to be the precursor for a rather rapid slide downhill on Friday. I don’t really know what happened and can only speculate as to why. But yesterday I ate and ate and ate — not vast amounts, but just all the “wrong things” (i.e. stuff I’ve been avoiding on my diet). I can’t remember all that I ate and to be honest, can’t be bothered trying to figure out the calories of all the stuff I do remember eating. The 2500 on the table is an estimate. I don’t believe it was more than that, but it probably wasn’t much less.
Why did it happen? I’m not sure — I just know I had a real “I don’t care” attitude and because I wasn’t bothered, I didn’t self-regulate. One of my work-friends who I socialise with outside of work had a birthday and a group of us went to the park at lunchtime for a picnic. I took all the “right things” but others had brought biscuits, nuts and other treats and in the end, I just joined in. Also, it was the last day for one of the training team and in the afternoon we had a big send off for her, which included lots of the ubiquetous cake and savoury snacks and then repaired to the pub where more (fattening) snacks were on offer. When I got home around 9:30pm, I indulged in a couple of shortbread biscuits from one of the packs I have in my larder and *really* enjoyed them.
Some of the things I can speculate why I reached that place: 1. I’ve been in constant pain for weeks with my feet and it’s grinding me down. 2. My boss was being very difficult with me on Wednesday, leaving me feeling both uncomfortable and upset and I’ve felt miserable ever since. His utter lack of empathy or any degree of self-awareness makes it almost impossible to give him feedback on his behaviour, because he simply doesn’t get it (I tried). 3. One of the training team left on Friday just when I was getting very comfortable with her — she joined the team a year ago and I think saw me as a ‘threat’ so treated me accordingly. It took her a long time to realise I wasn’t and then change and the last few months have seen a very productive and satisfying professional relationship. 4. My weight went up the day after the weigh in (quite possibly water retention from my constantly swollen foot) and I felt as if everything I’m doing to try to lose weight has stopped making a difference. 5. I’m fed up with dieting and constantly having to figure out all the calories of every single thing I’ve eaten.
I will get back ‘on the rails’ today.
| All | Far too much | 2,500 |
|---|---|---|
| Sub-total | 2,500 | |
| Total Calories | 2,500 | |
Sylvia said,
26 July 2008 at 3:15 pm
I think it comes down to remembering the difference between having said “to hell with it, I don’t care anymore” on a bad day and living that way day-after-day.
I don’t think trying to work out every calorie will help much but I do think what you did – analysing your own actions and what led to your feeling that way – is an important part of the process.
I also suspect point 4 is a biggie – it certainly is for me. “Why am I putting in all this effort if I’m not even going to get a result?”
But over time, you are seeing results and that graph is looking pretty good. You simply can’t do the exercise that you’d like to at the moment which is slowing you down and you’ve been travelling a lot which has meant you can’t always have the most optimal foods. So the weight loss has been slow and that has to be frustrating.
But you know that slow and steady has been working – you’ve reassured me on this too many times when I’ve panicked about the lack of results. :)
Every little bit does help and what you do today is more important than what happened yesterday.
Paola said,
27 July 2008 at 11:16 am
When reading posts like this, I would normally ask “but how did it feel when you were eating?” But now I know that there’s only a very quiet voice saying “should I?”, followed by a louder “mmm, yum”.
Anyway, you blogged (thank you), it’s over. Move on.
Anna said,
27 July 2008 at 12:09 pm
Thank you to both of you for your support — I really appreciate it.
I came home from Paola’s birthday BBQ feeling lighter than I have. But today I’m back to feeling pretty rubbish and have realised that I’ve been feeling pretty miserable for some time and am actually sliding towards depression. I’m now really beginning to feel the effects of it.
I will continue with the diet, even though it’s adding to how I’m feeling, just because eventually I’ll get to a point where I will have lost enough weight to feel better about myself and that will help with some of my self-esteem and self-confidence issues.
Paola said,
27 July 2008 at 4:20 pm
It’s possible that you’ve encountered the same depression I’ve had the last couple of months which I am sure is entirely due to physiological changes from weight loss. Jamie asked me yesterday if I’d looked it up online yet.
*tappity tap*
Anna, your low-carb diet might be causing your depression.
Are you taking any pills to help your diet? If so, do they have depression as a side-effect?
Anna said,
1 August 2008 at 7:46 am
Paola, thank you so much for providing that link. It makes *so* much sense. No, I’m not taking any form of pills at all — not since Frank told me they were rubbish! I chucked those away and haven’t been tempted to try any others!
As a result of what I read, I decided to just take time out from the diet — I wasn’t sure if it would be a day, days, or a week… I wanted to see how I felt and really there’s been quite a change in me for the better as a result of just letting go of the diet for a while. Yes I’ve gained another pound, but that doesn’t take away from the 16 lbs I’m still down! And now I feel ready to get back on board. I’ll begin again tomorrow as I’m out to dinner with an old friend tonight and I don’t want to cramp my style (although as stated in another message, I haven’t exactly gone mad either!).
Paola said,
1 August 2008 at 9:32 am
Wonderful. Will you be adding carbs back into your diet?