The Food Confessional

Posted by Paola

Sylvia asked me how I was feeling after my last weigh-in when I’d gained a pound.

I’ve been asked that question before, also in the context of having lost weight and, both times, wasn’t sure how I felt and so it got me thinking this time.

How do I feel about my weight yo-yo-ing?

Actually, not too bad. My GP had put my mind at ease and so I know it’s not something I am doing wrong.

How do I feel about my dieting now?

I’m really fed up with it. In the last two months, I have felt less motivated to deny my appetite – my wanting to eat even if I wasn’t hungry – and have knowingly over-eaten. But, despite a few times when I considered it, I haven’t had any major binges, most likely due to keeping a food diary here.

I am concerned that I can lapse into bad habits so quickly but I’m still careful about what I eat most of the time.

I mourn the things that I will not be able to eat if I want to keep the weight off.

How do I feel about my goal weight?

There have been enough positive changes that have improved my life, that reaching the goal weight for my height seems less of a big deal. I’m not so bothered about it.

I am wearing skirts again (knee-length with opaque tights). I feel comfortable wearing scarves wrapped around my waist, something I haven’t done for a very long time.

I don’t go “eurgh!” when I see myself in the mirror. I now look more or less as I did 20 years ago.

I don’t have any trepidation about seeing people again who haven’t seen me since I was slim.

I can now see structure (tendons) in my legs whereas before they were just big and shapeless.

I still have a big belly and biggish legs but now feel as if I am over-weight rather than obese.

I’d like to get rid of my big belly but getting there seems to be a different kind of journey.

How do I feel about losing so much weight?

I’ve been asked this a few times. I don’t really know what answer people expect, whether in terms of how I think or how I physically feel.

Physically – surprisingly – I don’t feel much different. Early on, I felt a lightness in my step – I called it feeling nimble – and that’s still true. I can turn and lift myself out of the bath easily. When I cross my legs, my crossed leg isn’t poking out like it used to because my legs were so big. I can keep up with Frank easier – he walks very fast.

As my clothes have become looser, I’ve given a lot away and replaced others with second-hand clothes from eBay. I wear a belt (Frank’s) on my trousers and note when I tighten it a notch. I’ve never worn a belt before.

My rings are all loose. I’ve had to move my wedding ring to my middle finger so that it doesn’t fall off.

I know I’ve achieved something important – something I thought that was unachievable by me.

But I wish that someone else was food-diarying with me here.