Day 409: Day of reckoning

Posted by Paola

Some of you might have noticed that I stopped having my big sandwich brunch a few days ago. I realised that they were too big (and that they had likely got bigger over the year). In my last grocery order, I replaced the small slice loaves with regular loaves. I’ll make one-slice sandwiches with these. (Cripes, their massive!) I was too hungry when it came time to eating today to resist a big sandwich, though.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wrote yesterday, that the irrational panic of not having enough food while preparing a meal was the only unpleasant thing of my diet. I realised today that I had indulged my urge for cramming as much as I could on my small side plate in my daily sandwiches. I need to get into the habit of smaller portions. If that means even smaller plates, so be it. Today on TV there was yet another programme about a woman having a stomach reduction. The choice seems to be to reduce one’s stomach internally to reduce portion sizes or to actually reduce portion sizes.

Although I understand the imperative to 1) stop eating when one’s satiated and 2) leaving something on the plate, both of these seem mega hard to me and so I will try to tackle my urge to fill my plate instead.

For the first time in a year, I’m anxious that I’m gonna start bingeing again and put the weight back on. Yesterday I briefly considered eating one of the packets of chocolate digestives I’d bought for Frank. I figured he hadn’t known how many I ordered and so wouldn’t know if one went missing. But then I realised I’d have to eat the whole packet in order to ‘hide the evidence’ and I didn’t fancy making myself sick, I just wanted five biscuits.

3:30pm Ham and cheese salad sandwich + squash + tea + plum

5:30pm Tomato, vegetable and bean soup with cheese and Finn Crisp

6pm Bran flakes with sultanas and pumpkin seeds

I’ve been having this a lot recently and so thought I should work out the calories now.

It’s quite shocking that, even in my smallest bowl, I’ve managed to accumulate the same amount of calories as one of my meals.

1 small serving calories protein carbs fat fibre
5g Splenda 20 0.0 4.9 0.0 0.0
111ml semi-skimmed milk 42 2.9 4.3 1.5 0.0
21g sultanas 61 0.6 14.6 0.1 0.4
15g pumpkin seeds 88 4.3 2.3 6.8 0.8
33g bran flakes 111 3.4 22.1 0.8 4.7
Total 322 11 48 9 6

9pm Coconut bean and beef thing with a tortilla wrap + squash + 2 plums

10:15pm Quark and corn relish on rye bread

I’d hoped not to eat again today but I’d been cooking marinated chicken in the oven for Frank and it just smelt so good every time I opened the oven to give it a stir…

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