It’s all gone horribly wrong

Posted by Paola

I’ve regained nearly half the weight I lost four years ago. I’m back to 12 st 8 lbs – that’s 176 lbs or 80 kg. I was 33 lbs lighter three years ago.

When I don’t count calories, I over-eat. I eat when I’m not even hungry, I eat when I’m bored, I eat when I’m low. I take another portion just because it tastes nice.

I am now aware of a constant dialog in my head as I approach food. A quiet voice says: “just take one”. A bulldozing voice shouts it into submission with “I WILL TAKE THREE! TASTES GUD! YOU CAN’T STOP ME. RAWR”. It’s completely irrational. It’s embarrassing. And it’s depressing.

I have a big birthday in two months. I am bulging out of my clothes. I grew out of all my pretty skirts and dresses. I had to buy bigger clothes again. I have black trousers and tops because I bought them last autumn for work. I don’t want to send more money on big clothes because I don’t intend to stay big. But I’m suffering in black in this heat.

I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore, adjusting my top to hide the massive bulge of my tummy. I have to regain control over food. I’ve let it take control over me again.

Food-diarying is the only thing that has worked for me in the past. I’ll see if it helps even if I don’t count calories.

Once more into the breach, dear friends.

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